Get away

This weekend I had the wonderful opportunity to stay in the mountains with a beautiful soul I’ve met on my spiritual path.

I believe God puts angels in your path to change your thinking, your journey, and to show you your destiny more clearly. If it weren’t for him I wouldn’t have the opportunities I get to have with my love!

Dreamin

I want to live alone with my love, where my kitchen theme is red and full of roosters.

Where my bedroom is zen and I can feel at peace.

Where I can feel safe, and secure. I want to have a desk for my journaling, reading, blogging and coupons. 

I want a spot for my tea, my tea mugs, my mornings.

I dream small. And I feel these things coming.

Forgiveness

Forgiveness is the hardest thing in the entire world for me.

But it’s a beautiful and life changing powerful thing.

It starts with acceptance. Accepting a reality we may not like, but knowing that there’s not a single thing we could do to change it.

After the feeling of anxiety settles because I’ve fully accepted something for what it IS (not what I want, not what it could be with my stipulations attached) I can begin the journey to forgiveness.

Maybe it’s something easy; someone said I was a bitch behind my back. I have done a thing or two like that, I can easily forgive for that. Especially because I’ve been forgiven for that.

Maybe someone really hurt me. Ripped my heart out and stomped all over it. Luckily for them, I’ve done something like that, I’ve been forgiven but I’ve also not been forgiven. So I can choose to forgive or not forgive.

In my experience, harboring that right to not forgive just keeps my anger, resentments and turmoil trapped. I always want to forgive. Always. And I’ve forgiven some pretty hard things.

I can’t do it over night though. Sometimes I can want and want and want to forgive… but I just can’t yet. I need to go through the feelings first. I need to hurt, I need to cry, I need to feel, because alcohol numbed my abilities to do that for so much of my life.

So I read. I reach out but most of all I read about others experiences.

Page 159 of As Bill Sees It says it all.

How can I possibly expect forgiveness for my actions if I’m unwilling to give someone else forgiveness?

The Heart Goes Last

So if you haven’t read this book, you need to.

For those who have cheated and been cheated on and prevailed, this book is relatable.

Sometimes we question things, keep a wall up, push others away, and refuse to fully love and our genetalia wanders.

But it doesn’t always take away how much love we have for one person, just makes us shitty normal human assholes who haven’t perfected right from wrong yet.

That’s how it was for Charmaine and Stan, who undoubtedly loved each other, but both wandered in an effort to survive and Fulfill their selfish desires.

The world is failing economically, people are living in their cars, crime is an all time high and money is almost nonexistent.

Then there’s an offer you can’t refuse if you pass a screening. You can apply to live in a secure facility cut off from crime and real world problems, the only catch being that you’re a prisoner every other month.

Easy to get bored you see.

This book is incredibly well written with a (predictable) twist at that end.

Soulful and Spirited

I’m full of dreams, and words, and would have beens, could have beens. I drowned myself in self pity and depressive bouts of alcohol most of my life. I stopped drinking a year ago. It gave me hopes and dreams and can be’s and should be’s. It gave my strength and courage to change.

It gave me life again it filled my empty soul with a spirit that can’t stop burning.

Sometimes life is sad, people you love hurt you, you’re stuck on the train to nowhere that only seems to be going in circles, there’s never a stop to get off.

I hopped trains and my stop is coming up.

With a clear mind and a fire burning deep within myself I refuse to go back down, and I choose to live and to live life to its fullest.

I want to read all the books, and I’ll never wake up sad again. Every day I wake up one positive thing I can never forget there are always more books I haven’t read.

I want to plan my heart out with beautiful planners and stickers and bright colored ink and post it notes.

I want to leave the dull, cold, bleak and depressing winters Upstate NY has to offer, and go off the grid to Kentucky where the people are nice, living is cheap, and maybe I’ll get to witness a tornado in my lifetime.

I want to get off at the next stop and I want it to be a good one.